Thoughts & Stories of Mike Straight #71

  Manic Depression is a Black Kat that always seems to follow...it is not being able to get out of bed, because today has no point...where nothing seems to matter. Where simple tacks are struggles and smiles a near impossibility. Manic depression is about being frantic - a 1000 projects started at once...but nothing ever seems to be finished or go as you envisioned.
  Manic depression is about being high as hell, then dropping to the lowest lows...when you are the life of the party, the happy one - the identity that people see. But when the lows hit...you hide away. You escape - because you don't want anyone to see the side of you that you hate.
  Manic Depression is writing a 1000 postcards to everyone when you are happy, but spending hours trying to figure out who to send a long, sad letter too - trying to figure out who will care.
  Manic depression is not being able to tell the person that loves you, what is going on inside your head...because you feel that you are a burden - that your problems are not important...it is that you are scared of pushing them away because you think that one day they will realize exactly HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE...and you are scared of that.
  Manic Depression is not being able to control your emotions, so instead you try to control all the other elements of your life. The idea behind this is if you can control everything else you might, finally, be able to control how you feel.
  Manic depression is about wishing you were "normal". Trying to help yourself by changing your environment, your setting, your rituals, your peers - thinking somewhere, somehow, I will finally be free...
  Manic Depression is about wondering if this is even the right fuckin technical term for you but realizing that it doesn't make a difference....It is what I am - and I have had almost 30 years dealing with this shit...and I hate it...it is about looking over bridges..wondering..thinking you are tired of dealing with your mind, tired of never truly being happy - tired of hating yourself, of blaming yourself...
  It is dealing with the fact that one of you closest friends, one who had a similar attitude, one who you actually talked about this with...jumped off a fuckin bridge...and you are in Berlin, where she was suppose to meet you...but SHE ISN’T COMING...and you realize there are parts of your mind you cant keep hiding away - that you got to start dealing with...
  Mike Straight - Straight@defenestrator.org